firsts and lasts.

today, i said goodbye to a lot of things -

1. my sembreak: this was my last official weekend.
2. my saturday afternoons: this was the last afternoon i was officially free; i'll have classes from 1 to 5 in the coming sem every saturday (shit).
3. finally, and most importantly, gin: this was her last official evening, and our last official bursting-into-song session.

ok fine, that's just three things, but they're important to me, so it felt like plenty.

i'll miss you gin. i didn't think i'd be as affected by your leaving as i am now, but it turns out you've played a much bigger role in my life than i thought...thank you. =) i'm so sure you'll love it there and before you know it you'll be back here next year singing rent and wicked. by then i promise i will have watched it na so i can sing along with you guys.

as for sembreak and saturday afternoons...well, i have 5 months until i have my next break, so, it's not so bad. there will be more to come. and anyway, there'll still be saturday nights.

in other news, today i played monopoly...and survived, for the first time EVER! i was not bankrupt when the game ended, which is quite a feat when you consider that i had been monopolied-out and beaten by my 7 and 8 year-old nephews before. thanks to hotels in boardwalk and park place, and the mean negotiating of miguel, gino and pot for helping me end with 2,700+ in my pocket. it was a three-way victory (sorry pot, who lost everything but gained a free KFC dinner), with me, gino and miguel gaining some sort of boring equilibrium at the end because everyone could pay everyone's rent. good game, good game. =)

adrift.

"my God, you're so disciplined!"

i hear this phrase all the time. it's exclaimed whenever i mention the fact that i study at least 6 hours a day, or that i set my alarm at 6 in the morning everyday, even if there are no classes and i have nothing to do just so i won't ruin my body clock, or when others see me out late at night on a weekday despite the fact that i have a couple of hundred pages to read. people always say it with a bit of amazement, like i should be applauded for fitting the things in my life in neat, accessible little boxes and compartments, perfectly categorized, organized, post-it flagged and color-coded.

i'm not complaning. in fact, i appreciate and am certainly grateful for the encouragement and support. these positive reinforcements keep me going, and are part of the forces that continually push me forward and propel me to work my hardest, give my all, and ultimately accomplish whatever it is i had sought to achieve. after all, organization, time management, and discipline undeniably do make things easier. i am more efficient, productive and effective when i am armed with a plan, and i am able to "waste time" by planning my day in order to have time to waste - without the guilt. even my relaxed moments are scheduled, for crying out loud! i just don't know how else to manage if i don't try to stay one steap ahead. a little foresight goes a long way, and i am always amazed with those people who can afford to just throw caution to the wind and go with the flow. sometimes, though, i wonder why pulling the anchor isn't considered the braver, more commendable thing to do. haven't poets been telling us to explore uncharted waters, to walk the road less travelled and to discover the unknown?

control is great. discipline is even better. true, these two virtues lead you directly to your goal. having discipline and self-control is definitely admirable, but overrated nonetheless. having and gaining control is easy. letting go, however, is much harder to do.

i'm not just talking about letting go of past loves, though. i'm talking about not caring that your bag does not match your shoes, or that you forgot to put on concealer before stepping out of your door. it's not worrying about that extra piece of cake you ate the night before, or that you missed going to the gym once or twice this week. it's not caring about whether or not he (or she) will find out that you have a big crush on him (or her), or that he (or she) will see you as a little bit weird for singing too loud or liking Paris Hilton's Stars are Blind. letting go is about dancing just a little bit closer than usual, or placing your well-kept secrets in the hands of another. it's about relaxing in the middle of the ocean while still holding on to your oar, or doing something you've never done before just to see what it's like. it's not knowing what happens next, and being okay about that particular fact. it's about, as cheesy as it sounds and as cliche as it is, letting your emotions take over, at least for a little while, for life happens - and indeed, thrives -on the mess that we manage to create when we're not paying the most attention.

you deal with responsibilities and obligations with utmost care and diligence, there is no doubt about that. with the more personal issues however...well, all the plotting and scheduling in the world simply just won't do. there some things that you can't put in a timetable, no matter how hard you try to force them in. stuff that are both meaningful and useless at the same time will always be thrown your way that are not in your itenerary, and regardless of how badly they screw up your beautifully laid-out plans, you'll still have to clean up the clutter and pick up what's left of your agenda.

all that sparkles.

i've always wondered what it was like to be single.

you know -

not waiting for a text, or not making plans around someone else's day; being able to stay in or stay out as late or as early as you want; having aimless days, just to spend time alone without the need to ask for them; being able to spend your money for yourself, without worying about christmas or birthday presents, and being able to go around the mall without buying something just cos you know he/she would like it; not having to keep looking over your shoulder whenever the two of you are out just to see if he/she is ok...

it sounded good before, but i realized that that is not so great after all.

or maybe it's just cos i'm the only one on break while everyone else is busy.

boo. =)