i am, ironically, in a place where i am most heard, but least understood. i didn't know that was possible until now.
despite countless talks and "dialogues," despite words that are filled to the brim with meaning and silences that speak volumes, the message can't seem to be conveyed.
i've said that i've given my all, and that it seems that despite the best efforts, it just won't work. i've said that i do not feel like, and i do not want to, fight for everything that i want to do. i've said that i have some non-negotiables that i hold, that i have sacred spaces that i have told myself never to let anybody cross, not so much for self-preservation, but for breathing room and personal growth.
nevertheless -
i've been told that i'm consummed by fear - fear to commit, to sacrifice, to fully give myself. i've been called selfish, that my non-negotiables revolve around reasons that center around me, that i'm holding back. i've been accused of being inconsiderate, almost short of being self-absorbed. my future has been foretold, and it was seen to be gray and cloudy because i am too preoccupied with what i am comfortable with.
how much of oneself is supposedly sacrificed or let go of in a relationship? how much of a cost is the other supposed to be worth? do you really have to erase the lines that you told yourself you'd draw, only to draw them a bit further back in the zone where you don't want them to be? how much can the other demand before, ultimately, you feel that you are giving too much?
i know relationships are work. I KNOW IT. i think i've gone through enough to know that relationships entail making things work - it requires unbelievable adjustments and readjustments, countless reformations, and reconsiderations, before the hearts, flowers and all the sun you look for shine through.
for some reason though... this feels different.
it feels...destructive? unhealthy?
maybe.
it just feels like it's contrary to everything i've come to know and believe.
does that make sense?
