watching the stars

moving out. officially.

2007-04-01T00:37:00.000+08:00

as per lara's request to create a link from here to my new blog...

http://chinchiminee.livejournal.com is my new home. i have been updating that journal instead of this for a while now, but i just didn't want to make it official. now it is. =)

firsts and lasts.

2006-11-12T01:28:00.000+08:00

today, i said goodbye to a lot of things -

1. my sembreak: this was my last official weekend.
2. my saturday afternoons: this was the last afternoon i was officially free; i'll have classes from 1 to 5 in the coming sem every saturday (shit).
3. finally, and most importantly, gin: this was her last official evening, and our last official bursting-into-song session.

ok fine, that's just three things, but they're important to me, so it felt like plenty.

i'll miss you gin. i didn't think i'd be as affected by your leaving as i am now, but it turns out you've played a much bigger role in my life than i thought...thank you. =) i'm so sure you'll love it there and before you know it you'll be back here next year singing rent and wicked. by then i promise i will have watched it na so i can sing along with you guys.

as for sembreak and saturday afternoons...well, i have 5 months until i have my next break, so, it's not so bad. there will be more to come. and anyway, there'll still be saturday nights.

in other news, today i played monopoly...and survived, for the first time EVER! i was not bankrupt when the game ended, which is quite a feat when you consider that i had been monopolied-out and beaten by my 7 and 8 year-old nephews before. thanks to hotels in boardwalk and park place, and the mean negotiating of miguel, gino and pot for helping me end with 2,700+ in my pocket. it was a three-way victory (sorry pot, who lost everything but gained a free KFC dinner), with me, gino and miguel gaining some sort of boring equilibrium at the end because everyone could pay everyone's rent. good game, good game. =)

adrift.

2006-11-05T22:45:00.000+08:00

"my God, you're so disciplined!"

i hear this phrase all the time. it's exclaimed whenever i mention the fact that i study at least 6 hours a day, or that i set my alarm at 6 in the morning everyday, even if there are no classes and i have nothing to do just so i won't ruin my body clock, or when others see me out late at night on a weekday despite the fact that i have a couple of hundred pages to read. people always say it with a bit of amazement, like i should be applauded for fitting the things in my life in neat, accessible little boxes and compartments, perfectly categorized, organized, post-it flagged and color-coded.

i'm not complaning. in fact, i appreciate and am certainly grateful for the encouragement and support. these positive reinforcements keep me going, and are part of the forces that continually push me forward and propel me to work my hardest, give my all, and ultimately accomplish whatever it is i had sought to achieve. after all, organization, time management, and discipline undeniably do make things easier. i am more efficient, productive and effective when i am armed with a plan, and i am able to "waste time" by planning my day in order to have time to waste - without the guilt. even my relaxed moments are scheduled, for crying out loud! i just don't know how else to manage if i don't try to stay one steap ahead. a little foresight goes a long way, and i am always amazed with those people who can afford to just throw caution to the wind and go with the flow. sometimes, though, i wonder why pulling the anchor isn't considered the braver, more commendable thing to do. haven't poets been telling us to explore uncharted waters, to walk the road less travelled and to discover the unknown?

control is great. discipline is even better. true, these two virtues lead you directly to your goal. having discipline and self-control is definitely admirable, but overrated nonetheless. having and gaining control is easy. letting go, however, is much harder to do.

i'm not just talking about letting go of past loves, though. i'm talking about not caring that your bag does not match your shoes, or that you forgot to put on concealer before stepping out of your door. it's not worrying about that extra piece of cake you ate the night before, or that you missed going to the gym once or twice this week. it's not caring about whether or not he (or she) will find out that you have a big crush on him (or her), or that he (or she) will see you as a little bit weird for singing too loud or liking Paris Hilton's Stars are Blind. letting go is about dancing just a little bit closer than usual, or placing your well-kept secrets in the hands of another. it's about relaxing in the middle of the ocean while still holding on to your oar, or doing something you've never done before just to see what it's like. it's not knowing what happens next, and being okay about that particular fact. it's about, as cheesy as it sounds and as cliche as it is, letting your emotions take over, at least for a little while, for life happens - and indeed, thrives -on the mess that we manage to create when we're not paying the most attention.

you deal with responsibilities and obligations with utmost care and diligence, there is no doubt about that. with the more personal issues however...well, all the plotting and scheduling in the world simply just won't do. there some things that you can't put in a timetable, no matter how hard you try to force them in. stuff that are both meaningful and useless at the same time will always be thrown your way that are not in your itenerary, and regardless of how badly they screw up your beautifully laid-out plans, you'll still have to clean up the clutter and pick up what's left of your agenda.

all that sparkles.

2006-11-02T20:38:00.000+08:00

i've always wondered what it was like to be single.

you know -

not waiting for a text, or not making plans around someone else's day; being able to stay in or stay out as late or as early as you want; having aimless days, just to spend time alone without the need to ask for them; being able to spend your money for yourself, without worying about christmas or birthday presents, and being able to go around the mall without buying something just cos you know he/she would like it; not having to keep looking over your shoulder whenever the two of you are out just to see if he/she is ok...

it sounded good before, but i realized that that is not so great after all.

or maybe it's just cos i'm the only one on break while everyone else is busy.

boo. =)

the thin red line.

2006-10-28T17:55:00.000+08:00

lines are everywhere - in airports, train stations, cash registers, fitting rooms, restaurants, and ticket booths. these lines are cumbersome, yet they are part of protocol. lines are just one of the devises society has come up with to enforce order, so we'll know how to wait for the right time. in lines, we get a sense of predictability - we'll know whose turn it is, how much longer we'd have to wait, and what exactly happens next. it's easy to see why they are important in everyday life.

lines exist in relationships, too. these kinds of lines, however, are a bit more difficult to deal with. in relationships, there are lines to draw, lines to erase, lines to emphasize and lines to never ever cross. these lines contain feelings and define relationships. these borders keep everything ordered, well-maintained and simple. they keep conversations uncluttered, connections unattached, and friendships uncomplicated. it's not so difficult to understand - respect personal space, and know that there are just some things that are not to be done in order to keep things wrapped up neatly in a tight little package, tied up in a bow. once that bow unravels... well, let's just say that the phrase opening a can of worms just won't do justice to the consequences.

unfortunately these kinds of lines blur and it becomes harder to define exactly where they are. when the borders are pushed back everyday, it's tough to realize that you've been stepping on it with every conversation that you have, that it gets thinner everytime a meal is shared, and that it disappears altogether with a single dance.

crossing lines makes for a very gooey, messy, un-pretty sitation, and it takes more than just kicking yourself to be able to fix it.

lazy daisy.

2006-10-28T12:52:00.000+08:00

one semester down, 7 more to go. after 6 gruelling months, i can officially, legitimately say that i am on my way to becoming a lawyer.

on my first day of not doing anything, i woke up at 2 in the afternoon, took a shower, glued myself to bed, watched HBO movies (taking lives, the notebook, ten things i hate about you) and lifestyle network with drinks on the bedside table, getting a bit of a buzz. after dinner i met up with my college blockmates in metrowalk, and after a couple of drinks, we decided the city became too boring and decided to go take a road trip to tagaytay at 1 in the morning.

there was some kind of a party in the compound of starbucks and leslie's, and there was this man with a beer belly in a sad-looking spiderman-esque, body-hugging, ass-conforming costume with tiny high waisted briefs dancing awkward old-lolo hiphop like there was no tomorrow, with grinding and the getting down-and-dirty-hip-pumping action. made the drive worth it, i swear! hilarious, especially after a couple of beers (yes, i'm learning how to like beer! necessity and cheap-ness do help you acquire that damn taste.)

it's so nice to wake up and realize that you can actually go back to sleep. movie? game! drinks? definitely. dancing? when?!? just let me know. i'll be there! =)

betrothed.

2006-10-19T20:08:00.000+08:00

literally, a marriage made in heaven.

two galaxies merged and gave birth to billions and billions of stars, giving astronomers the rarest opportunity to view one of the loveliest images in the known universe. this event occuring once every million years is already too often, as the two galaxies involved in this phenomenon have been moving on collision course towards each other for the past 500 million years.

this gigantic blob of dust and gas that we perceive as beautiful little stars will disperse in 10 million years, and will give rise to globular clusters, or large groups of stars where galaxies like our very own are found.

the milky way is scheduled to clash with its fiance, the andromeda, in 6 billion years.

amazing.

imagine how much more is out there that we can't see or aren't even aware of! stars are time machines whose lights are aged - since it takes years for their sparkle to travel through space before they reach the earth, the skies we see now are pictures of the past. the sun's light and heat, as we see and feel it, have traversed 8 minutes worth of space, and the nearest star after the sun, Alpha Centauri, is two light-years away. when you gaze upon the sky, the Alpha Centauri you see was the Alpha Centauri two tears ago.

the size of the universe is something we can't grasp. i read somewhere that the expansive horizons of the universe is something the human mind cannot muster - and yet, it's still expanding, getting larger and more difficult to understand as the years go by. it's certainly not waiting for us mere mortals to discover its secrets first before making itself more complicated.

i feel so small...

getting physical (and political).

2006-10-17T06:44:00.000+08:00

after spending three whole days just sitting and reading, i told myself last sunday night to get off my chair and do something physical. so, i did 60 - yes, a measly 60 - leg lifts to give my poor butt, which has been nothing but squishy, a bit of a workout.

it's tuesday morning now. my butt STILL hurts. quite sad.

i am in dire need of exercise. i have two weeks during my break to try to get my body back in some semblance of a shape. wall climbing? game. boxing? go. swimming? sige lang. (of course, subject to the availability of funds. boo, student allowance.)

i'm blogging my plan just so i'll be pressured to do it!

any takers? kung wala, tatakbo nalang ako sa ateneo sa umaga. =)

***

in other news, i read somewhere that borgy manotoc is thinking (or, imelda marcos is thinking for borgy) of running for mayor of manila.

Borgy, who has modeled for several clothing companies, recently finished his studies at the City College of New York, majoring in advertising and public relations, while working part-time at an independent record label.
- www.inq7.net

in short, get ready for a seduce-those-young-people-into-voting-for-this-barbie-doll-for-a-man type of campaign. parang...mali.

well, at least that's one less candidate i have to do intensive research for for Gino's voters' information (which was called halaan 2007 by jerwin) website.

tomorrow.

2006-10-14T23:43:00.000+08:00

let's have a moment of silence for the final episode of west wing...

tear... =(

for the most i've learned about governance and hardball; for showing both the limits and the flexibility of the constitution; for proof that politics does not have to be dirty or underhanded, but clever, principled and transparent; for the little bits of interesting trivia (like how the carpet of the oval office changes in times of war).

for placing the press secretary, chief of staff, communications director, the executive secretaries and security forces on a pedestal, and for emphasis on their contribution to the administration of leadership.

for wit, humor, integrity, intelligence and clarity in the face of chaos, strategy and making decisions that would change the world in the next two minutes; for leaving politics at the doorstep in the name of policies that work; for the first (fictional) woman chief justice on the bench; for the most respect i've had for any president (granted he's a TV character), for realism, idealism and everything else in between.

i love this show. =) GMA should watch this. or they should show it in one of the House sessions.

(fyi, the title of this post is the title of the last episode.)

i don't have a a show to reward myself with after a long day. any suggestions? =)

just around the corner.

2006-10-11T20:43:00.000+08:00

christmas is just around the corner. do you feel it? i don't! i've been waiting for the first crisp gust of cool wind at high noon that's the tell-tale sign that the holidays are coming, but lately, it's been hot, humid and rainy - a very weird mishmash of weather conditions that are making a whole bunch of paranoid students (vitamin) pill-popping people to avoid getting sick during finals week.

the only sign of people preparing for the holidays (cos i'm usually surrounded with people engrossed in books) is the weird choir of old ladies next door, presumably practicing for christmas carolling. for the past three nights, "heaven and earth resound the hymn" ala sister act has been my soundtrack to the revised penal code, complete with drums, tambourines and the high-pitched falsetto background vocals. i can just imagine them snapping their fingers and going crazy to the beat. oh see, now they're singing it slow-mo: "sa-a-a-a-alve (saaa--lve--eee) sa-a-a-alve-e-e re-e-e-e-gi----na-a-a-a..."

and, curtain.

on a happy note, i saw the powerplant people bringing out the structure of their lovely lovely christmas tree the other day, so, hopefully, after i come out of the classroom each day next week after every test, i can drown my sorrows and disappointment in pretty lights and butternut crunch jolly twirl.

i can see God

2006-10-10T20:51:00.000+08:00

I Can See God

I see God as a mighty moose,
lumbering lazily across the strewn, brown leaves
that make the forest floor.

I see God in the warmth of friendship,
reassuring myself that I am not alone
when I travel through extreme troubles.

I see God in the form of the sweltering, hot sun,
giving us the beautiful light
and the joy we need.

I see God in the form of a large, loving heart,
happily filling ours with joy.

I see God in the peace our great world can offer,
peace that others crave and desire,
the peace that allows us to be free.

this is the first poem that my ten-year old nephew, EJ, wrote. kumusta ang vocab! how many ten year olds know what "sweltering" means?? at may nalalaman pa siyang extreme troubles! =) i think he should keep writing! =)

**

2006-10-09T23:58:00.000+08:00

you gave me a cardigan when i was in fourth year high school. that was 5 years ago. it was a basic cardigan, with details that only you would think of as necessary - double zippers (so i can sit down with the sweater all zipped up withoout it looking strangely bulky at the tummy area), a stand up collar (in the age when stand up collars weren't cool, so the back of my neck won't be cold), cozy but thin (so it'd be ok for the crazy humid weather we have here at home) and with a bit of stripe-y things on it to make it a bit dressy (so i can wear it not just during the day, but during gimmicks too). of course, it had to be white, so it'd be flexible and would go with everything in my closet. and anyways, you always liked things to be clean and simple. those details have proved to be useful over the years. all cardigans should be made like that.

it's been a staple in my wardrobe since. it may be 5 years old, but it still fits well. and, you're right, being warm and toasty does make all the difference when you have to stay in starbucks for 8 hours just reading and losing your mind. it's been a constant study partner, along with a big cup of coffee and my trusty purple pen and ruler. just give me those and i'm all set to put on my thinking cap.

i lost it today though. =( i was rushing all over greenhills in the rain this afternoon, and i put it on top of the books that i was carrying around. in the middle of a frenzied phone call, i realized that i no longer had it with me. i knew, even as i retraced my steps, that i would never find it again, and that sinking feeling followed me around as i asked the guards and the salesladies if they had seen a white jacket on the floor.

so now i'm stuck with sweaters that i never really warmed up to (pun intended) - second best ones that have been jammed to the back of my closet because i haven't used them in forever. i don't think they'll feel the same though. these ones i have now haven't been broken in, and they haven't proven their worth as a study buddy. they're not as cozy. but i guess they'll have to do.

i hate the fact that a cardigan can mean so much.

one small girl.

2006-10-08T21:09:00.000+08:00

part of this whole growing up business is searching for answers. we try to find the insights that would give us solutions to the crazy world we're in, and we try to rationalize our entire outlook in order to not just survive, but thrive in the cynicism of our circumstances. a friend of mine who works inside the cold stark walls of a corporation was told a couple of months back never to trust anyone, while another friend is dealing with the thought that her ideal company might not be so ideal after all - a slap in the face for someone who has dreamt of working there for a very long time.

at the end of a very difficult week dealing with sharks and monsters, we all find comfort in the fact that there is a weekend to look forward to for release and relaxation. we kick off our shoes and complain about the nuances and niceties of the workplace, taking refuge in the familiar faces who have seen you through thick eyebrows and braces. in the middle of bursting into song, camwhorage and dancing the night away, we sigh and comment on how things have changed, how we all have had to adjust, how different the world is and how consumed by capitalism and careers each and every building in makati has become.

different words. same conversations.

by the end of the night, we shake all the drinks off our system and prepare ourselves for another long week of what we call being grown-ups. come monday morning, we jam our feet once again into toe-pinching, arthritis-inducing stilletos, squeeze ourselves into pinstriped slacks, and fall in step with the rhythm of the pace of young urban professionals, resigned to the fact that growing up means going to work. we begin to see signs of aging so early in our years - white hair, crow's feet, calloused toes. and it hasn't even been a year since we graduated!

all the hype back in college has led us all to one fatal illusion: growing up means independence. going to work, getting paid, getting headaches - all these form part of that phase when we are uprooted from neverneverland and are launched back into earth. school has prepared us for our tumultous crash down from the "second star to the right and straight on til morning," but not for the landing and the sights we'll see upon reaching the ground. work, in fact, isn't a sign of growing up; it's a sign of growing old.

i have no idea what growing up is all about. i don't know how much time it takes, or how much experience you need to able to say that you are grown-up. i don't know what kind of resume you have to have under your belt to be able to claim that you have a right to sit in the adult's table. is a semester of law school, or three years of living alone, or a year of work, or a couple of years of post-grad courses enough?

for sure, we graduates (this title is going to expire in march, by the way) have gone through revolutions inside our heads in the past 6 months. we've re-assessed, agitated, recreated and refired, to say the least, our notions and ideals of what adulthood would be like. numerous times have we all said that we missed college - someone once told me to enjoy college because it would actually be the longest break i'll have in life: old enough to be trusted, but not too old that we could still afford to be irresponsible; old enough to drive a car, but too young to pay for your own gas.

maybe growing up is not about getting lost in the future that we were brought up to live for. maybe it's about stepping onto uncertain ground, despite looking back and wishing for comfort zones that we never appreciated. maybe it's venturing onto unstable territory in spite of your desire to surround yourself with old reliables. maybe it's coping with the idea that there are no answers or ideals, that plans never work out, that flat tires can happen to you and gas stations are not reliable in times of car trouble. maybe it's putting a band-aid over that angry red blister on your pinky toe to be able to walk around in heels, or bringing a sandwich for lunch because payday is still two days away. maybe it's knowing that mothers don't know everything and the advice "time heals all wounds" and "this, too, shall pass" is just a catch-all phrase said when there's nothing left to say. in any case, i'll let you know when i get there.

happiness is.

2006-10-04T10:15:00.000+08:00

to be happy, lady told me, you should just remember the things that you had done before that made you happy and do them.

we should all just run to the beach now, soak up the sun (to get rid of flourescent light tans) and eat andok's lechon manok. that, or watch dvd's all day eating pizza. or have long coffee conversations. or maybe discover the best cheese cake ever, or spend 60 bucks on the best pad thai and thai milk tea. or find free parking, or get indoors just in time to avoid a sudden downpour of rain. or take a long drive, or a spontaneous road trip just to play poker at the side of the road. or take a long, well-deserved nap. or go dancing.

simple advice. and easy to understand, too. thanks, lads. =) of course, gino had to say "ha? hindi na original yun no. sinabi na rin yan eh, sa sound of music."

boo gino =)

where to, miss?

2006-09-24T22:06:00.000+08:00

truth is a bus ticket.

have a nice trip. =)

random thoughts

2006-09-23T20:43:00.000+08:00

i used to be scared of getting my own blog because i felt that it would confirm the fact that i had nothing to write about. the spontaneity and the candidness of the entries of the people whose blogs i read always amaze me! i mean, how can people go through so much in a day? how can they have profound thoughts in the mundane rut that we all go through? how can breakthroughs come about while waiting for burger machine orders, or while waiting for the stoplight to turn green, or while running all over new york city haggling for broadway tickets?

marcel said reflection is the only way to make life rich and meaningful (well, as i recall anyway... yun naman talaga yung sinabi niya diba?) he even went to such lengths as formulating primary and secondary reflection so that a person would be able to ruminate about his or her life properly and ultimately delve into the meaning and purpose of his or her experiences. without looking back, life would be a flat, one-dimensional plane, a simple chain of occurences that allows a person only to live from one day to the next - a linear form of existence that fails to become a coherent whole.

but what if there are no experiences worthy of reflection? anais nin, a french-born author (who, incidentally, led a double life - she was a bigamist, being married to two different men who had absolutely no idea of the other's existence. the husbands only found out about each other after anais nin's death. she is known for her published (censored and uncensored) diaries, and erotica), said "we write to taste life twice." what if there's nothing significant enough to taste again? or, what if there are things to "taste," but it's too bitter that it's not something you'd want to go through again? what if these involve asking questions that either 1) you thought you already put behind you, or 2) think you'll never have the answers to?

so much for emo. domestic saturday nights have that effect, probably. that, and having to read another 125 pages for consti law for monday, which i have to get started on tonight if i want to be able to sleep properly.

i probably just am in a very weird stage. you know, in the in-betweens, where you know that you don't want anything new with anyone, the right guy or otherwise, but you don't want to get back together with anyone from the past either. it's floating somewhere in the middle, where just the thought of building a new foundation with someone else is tiring, but you're not sure if you're ready to go back to where you came from. limbo years.

****

do you remember yourself in high school? do you know the difference between yourself now and yourself like, 6, 7 years ago? (aside from all the physical changes of course. damn you awkward years!) do you know how much you've learned or how much you've accomplished? are you really any wiser? we used to think as kids that we already knew some things. now, however, we look at kids and ask what do they really know. but honestly, do you think you actually, constructively know better? sure, we've definitely gone through more than them - more sleepless nights, more tears, more laughter, more music, more television shows, more roadtrips, more drunken evenings, more crazy stunts...but, does the 7-year age gap really give you THAT much leverage? i mean, my sister had her first-born son at around my age. god, if i had a son now, i would have absolutely no clue what to teach him. would knowing where the good places to eat are be good enough?

i don't know. i think i'll just watch west wing.

who's afraid of the dark?

2006-09-18T23:08:00.002+08:00

i've been afraid of the dark for the past four years. i haven't slept alone since second year college, and if i need to do so, i sleep with all the lights on and the television running (yes, i waste energy). pulled-out chairs, half-opened closet doors and empty unmade beds always manage to keep me awake, and try as i might to sleep with the lights and tv off, the thought of waking up in the middle of the night to a dark room is enough for me to rush to the light switch and search for the remote control.

i always thought this quirk of mine was one of the best reasons to get married. of course, there's love, companionship, children, yada yada... but what better way to get a peaceful, fear-less night's rest than to know that you're always going to be sleeping next to someone who will either protect you from things that lurk in the dark or affectionately, albeit a bit meanly, laugh off your fears and hug you anyway? knowing that i have someone, for better, for worse, who will stay next to me while i sleep will make me able to securely walk to the bathroom and pee without any scary thoughts running through my head.

last night, though, i took a risk and went to bed for the first time with the lights and tv turned off. nothing happened. well, of course nothing would happen! what did i expect, really??

well, there are still those other reasons to get married, i guess. =)

solid ground

2006-09-17T01:54:00.000+08:00

you hugged my leg today.

you know i've always loved leg hugs. funny, because you also know how much i hate my legs.

in between filling up would-be awkward silences with things that were and things that would have been and should have been, you still manage to make me ask questions i thought i had answered a long time ago.

limbo years

2006-09-16T01:08:00.000+08:00

a day in my life.

6 am: first alarm of the day
7 am: struggle to get out of bed
7:30 am: into the shower
8 am: dress up. crack the books open. start coloring the paragraphs with yellow high lighter and blue pens.
11:30 am: brunch. raid closet for an outfit that'll pass the dress code

12:15 pm: take a break before leaving for school
12:30: get in car and get tangled in the traffic jam to powerplant.
1:10 pm: park car in basement one of the powerplant mall
1:20: review for first class at 2pm.
2pm: consti (is RA6735 unconsitutional or merely inadequate? can we amend the constitution or revise it?)
3pm: philo (evolve for us a theory of law based on kelsen's pure theory of law and aristotle's corrective justice. is davide's impeachment case a claim right or a privilege?)
4pm: persons (when are presumptive legitimes required to be delivered? is Z, child of X and Y, where X is married to M, entitled to support from grandparents?)
5pm: end class. pick up new readings at the photocopying center.
5:15: rush to the parking lot to try and get ahead of the rush hour madness in edsa.
5:20pm: get robbed by rockwell another P45 for parking

6:30: thank god for finally getting home after ten million hours of dealing with annoying buses and drivers just as tired as me
6:32pm: quick dinner, bit of rest
7:10: start coloring my books again
11:30: check mail, blogs, inquirer for news and entertainment. see if awake enough to watch west wing
12am: zzzzzzzz....

some interesting things i learned today...

custom and duty both have two meanings, the first is that both refer to taxes that one has to pay in order to bring things inside the country.
the second is they both connote traditions or rituals that we adhere to as a community.

this is so because law stemmed from customs and duties of the community. a village followed customs, and it was their duty to uphold these traditions throughout the years. because of the emergence of law (the primary purpose of law in some theories is census-tax - essentially, for the profit of the ruler), custom and duty eventually evolved into a word used to connote tax as well, as it became a custom and a duty to pay the state.

see, THAT is the interesting part of my day. ew.

i'm turning into a very boring person! this is the side effect of law - i can already feel myself becoming more dull everyday. i'm falling into such a rut!

22 years

2006-09-10T18:44:00.000+08:00

around this time of year, things always get crazy.

it was always plagued with first trimestral exams in high school and long tests, defense and deadlines in college. i thought it might be different this year. busy sure - it's law school, of course. but, in line with tradition and in true law school fashion, something major had to come up - moot court.

won't bore you with the details of that one stressful event, but suffice to say that preparations for that kept me awake for three nights straight, glued to my laptop looking for stuff and stats on gay marriages, and attached to readings three inches high about false beliefs held on to by moralists (gay marriages? gasp! public health issue! legalization will begin a pandemic of diseases! the fertility rates of a country will decline! kumusta.) need a gay rights advocate? call me.

i spent the first 5 hours of the 7th awake and typing away at my computer, desparate to finish a memorial (i.e., paper to give to the "justices" that we will plead to stating our position and all evidence pertaining to the same). thank god for birthday messages that brought bright spots during the wee hours of the morning. =)

friday morning, 7:30 am. first cup of coffee to keep me up after yet another sleepless night. i come from my brother's house in magallanes, bring him to his office right behind AIM, and get lost in the maze of makati on the way to rockwell! i reached makati central fire station,kamagong, and mckinley park, before i reached rockwell - it took me a good 45 minutes to get from AIM to rockwell. death to one way streets and no left and U-turns.

after the moot (we won best memorial! my partner won best oralist! yay! =)), i went straight to discovery to decompress. after ten million hours of waiting, of changing rooms (cos they booked me a room with the wrong size), dealing with wilted salad leaves, paying corkage (death by corkage), going up and down the floors of the hotel to get my stuff, spilt spaghetti, i finaly, finally received a call from the receptionist saying that my friend regina lejano was knocking on my door.

sigh of relief. =)

here's to the past 22 years. =)

time space warp

2006-08-25T09:35:00.000+08:00

2002. first year college. what the hell was i wearing?!????
one word: bochog!
hahahahahahahahaha
oh my god!!!!

all boxed up

2006-08-13T20:55:00.000+08:00

long entry ahead...

"so, if your husband asked you to stop working, you wouldn't?"

"i don't think i can do that. i've always said i needed to work and that if my fiance was the type to ask me that i'd have my doubts. i find part of my self-worth in my work, and leaving me without something to do makes me feel useless. i will always feel like there is something more to do. i will always feel like i can produce something substantial. my self-worth will be attached to how well i can serve my family, and i don't think i can uphold and love my family if i myself don't value me. i know my family is important, but i don't think work and family cannot co-exist. it's not an either/or choice. i think you can work and uphold your family. and, i don't necessarily think that choosing to work instead of staying home renders the family less important."

"i know and i understand. but your self-worth is based not on your work, but simply because God loves you."

"okayy...what if it were the other way around? would you stop working if your wife asked you to? what do you think of husbands who decide to stay home instead?"

"no that's not ok. i think those husbands don't fulfill their primary duty."

"primary duty?"

"yes. the primary duty of the man is to provide for the family, to take care of them that way. because they are men, because nature has dictated it so, because it has been since time began, such that cultures so disconnected have come up with the same system of roles that men and women have to fulfill...because nature has ordained them to be so. roles are there for order to exist. without these roles, it'll be chaotic. men were made to provide for their family. women were made to nurture."

"so...a woman's primary duty is to take care of the family by staying home by virtue of the fact that she is a woman?? can't a woman both work and nurture her family at the same time?"

"well...yes, to a certain extent."

"why?"

"because there are some things that women do so well, that there are some things that men can't do. men aren't as nurturing, or as loving. mothers play huge roles in the family. they are indespensable in the life of a child. from the very first psychologist, the have always said that the mother is so important because of the special love and care that she can give. a man cannot do those things."

"why are you boxing people up in such roles?"

"because nature said so. because God says so. because scientific studies have said so."

"i'm not gonna argue with you about God and the bible. but, i have to say, i am not going to let scientific studies dictate who i am, who i have to become, what roles i have to fill, and what my duties are in life."

"studies show that women now are feeling more unhappy because they are forced to stay out of the house."

"i was not part of that study. i am not unhappy because i am forced to stay out of the house."

"why are you the exception to the rule?"

"why?! because who's to say that i am supposed to feel a certain way or do a certain thing by virtue of the fact that i have boobs?! why are you dictating what and who people should be because of their gender?"

"because that's the way it's supposed to be."

"that doesn't mean it has to stay that way. agreed, roles give order. roles assure that things get done. but it doesn't mean that roles have to be assigned. switching the roles around won't be chaotic, i think. the only reason why you think it will be because society has ordered us to think that way. i believe the primary duty to take care of the family sits on BOTH the husband and the wife. it doesn't matter who does what."

"i agree it sits both on the husband and the wife too. but the husband does it by providing, and the wife does it by taking care of the family. not necessarily staying home, but by taking care of the family. in fact, work for the woman might be necessary for her to take care of the family. but her primary duty should still be to her children and husband. why do you think being a housewife is so degrading? women now are being taught to think that way."

"i don't think being a housewife is degrading.. i just don't think it's for me. and i don't think it has to be what the woman does. i don't think that there should be anything that limits her decision to choose between being part of the work force and being at home. if she wants to work, fine. if she wants to stay at home, fine. but i still think it's about choice. it shouldn't be about "what nature intended." so, if the woman wants to work and the husband wants to stay home, even if both roles are filled, it's not ok?"

"no, because i don't think the husband is fulfilling his role in the family."

"why are you constricting men and women?"

"i'm not constricting. in fact, i'm freeing them. society has taught women to look down on their primary duty. what i'm doing is upholding the same because that's how nature ordained us. roles are constricting - it grounds us to what we're supposed to be doing."

"i don't see how that's not constricting. why don't we just go back to the 1920's then?"

"i'm not saying the right to vote and all that is bad. it's like telling a baby to drink milk. and the baby complains because you're just giving him milk and not, say, nails or something."

"nails?!? that's a wrong analogy. that means that a woman filling up a man's role is bad for her, and vice versa. doing something else other than "what you're ordained to do" is not poisonous or harmful! why are you so bent on upholding these roles just because of gender???"

"because God says so!"

"...i just said...i'm not gonna argue with you on that..."

"...is this because your dad left you?"

sigh..

anchors away

2006-08-09T23:15:00.000+08:00

a friend of mine said that some psychologists acknowledge the fact that some people lose touch with their "true selves," that they forget who they really are, as they traded these "selves" off in lieu of the more practical. these are the kids who were forced to grow up too fast, who needed to push out their "inner child," who stopped listening to what went on inside their heads in order to survive. when you initially speak to these people, they are grounded, rational, reasonable, and logical, like they have it all figured out. one thing has to be said though - some of these people are emotionally stunted, as they lack the capacity to deal with complicated, emotionally-charged situations. they always seem to be holding back, as they do not want to invest their whole selves into uncertain things. underneath the seeming maturity and the wealth of experiences that they have gone through, if you dig deep enough, they are really just...floating, going with the flow, getting carried by the current to wherever it would take them.

it's nice to drift around and see what views the horizon can offer.

if i find a nice spot, it would be nice to drop anchor.

open space.

2006-08-08T20:54:00.000+08:00

i spent a good deal of last night walking around ateneo (don't ask why).

i walked around bel field, passed by the church of gesu and wandered off on the streets between dela costa and the shiny new MVP building. i guess i needed a familiar, comforting place to walk off my thoughts and sort out everything that went on in my head (i couldn't help worrying if the guard would stick a huge yellow illgeal parking sticker in my car that, after four years, no longer has a loyola schools sticker on it).

nothing happened, of course - it wasn't like in clueless when cher stopped in front of a fountain and realized that she loved josh, complete with the singing voices and inspiring music. it was just breezy, and mostly quiet, save for the voices of some students walking around after their late night class.

no epiphanies, but that's ok. i felt better anyway.

i should go and walk some more.

checkpoint

2006-07-15T22:54:00.000+08:00

when you're asked what you want, or what you're looking for, what do you say? do you even know what to say?

"i don't know" has been my favorite answer for a while.

musings.

2006-07-09T20:20:00.000+08:00

i am, ironically, in a place where i am most heard, but least understood. i didn't know that was possible until now.

despite countless talks and "dialogues," despite words that are filled to the brim with meaning and silences that speak volumes, the message can't seem to be conveyed.

i've said that i've given my all, and that it seems that despite the best efforts, it just won't work. i've said that i do not feel like, and i do not want to, fight for everything that i want to do. i've said that i have some non-negotiables that i hold, that i have sacred spaces that i have told myself never to let anybody cross, not so much for self-preservation, but for breathing room and personal growth.

nevertheless -

i've been told that i'm consummed by fear - fear to commit, to sacrifice, to fully give myself. i've been called selfish, that my non-negotiables revolve around reasons that center around me, that i'm holding back. i've been accused of being inconsiderate, almost short of being self-absorbed. my future has been foretold, and it was seen to be gray and cloudy because i am too preoccupied with what i am comfortable with.

how much of oneself is supposedly sacrificed or let go of in a relationship? how much of a cost is the other supposed to be worth? do you really have to erase the lines that you told yourself you'd draw, only to draw them a bit further back in the zone where you don't want them to be? how much can the other demand before, ultimately, you feel that you are giving too much?

i know relationships are work. I KNOW IT. i think i've gone through enough to know that relationships entail making things work - it requires unbelievable adjustments and readjustments, countless reformations, and reconsiderations, before the hearts, flowers and all the sun you look for shine through.

for some reason though... this feels different.

it feels...destructive? unhealthy?

maybe.

it just feels like it's contrary to everything i've come to know and believe.

does that make sense?

(in)dependence

2006-07-03T21:44:00.000+08:00

in the japanese tea ceremony, each person participating in the ritual is given one tea cup and one tea pot. the tea pot, however, is not given to you so you may fill your own cup. it is so that you may fill the cup of others, and in the process, have your own vessel filled.

i think i'd like to fill my own cup once in a while, if that's ok. don't worry, i'll keep checking if you want more to drink.

how does this thing work?

2006-06-25T23:38:00.000+08:00

i've been trying to see how this thing works cos no matter how many times i click the "view blog" tab i can't see anything! =)